where's your blog?

finally!

2006-04-15T09:47:00.000-05:00

i finally got my shit onto Snakes On A Blog. how hard is that, you ask? brian was my fucking roommate and it still took over a week.

thanks for getting that shit up, brian!

"...and a bunny pushed the rock out of the way."

2006-04-14T11:32:00.000-05:00

big weekend! passover, easter, patriot's day, the red sox. phew! spring has sprung!

that was all very enthusiastic.

see, i love most of those things. i love/hate passover. it's a lot of work, but fun, and now my tough part is over. had the seder the other night, and another fun time was had by all. good food, too. way to go, helen.

and then, easter. sunday's tons of fun. i will celebrate my easter morning tradition of listening to "Jesus Christ Superstar" (yes, i know, i'm a homo), then watch beckett (josh, not sam) shut down the mariners at fenway, then we'll watch Cecil B. Demille's classic The Ten Commandments (an easter tradition!), one of the greatest films ever made.

then patriot's day! the Boston Marathon and the red sox, simultaneously! i love it.

that's all. i just thought i'd keep you updated on my whereabouts.

happy jesus rising from the dead weekend!

playing "hide the afikoman"

2006-04-12T12:14:00.000-05:00

happy passover everyone.

i just want to say...

2006-04-11T07:33:00.000-05:00

you should all be proud of me for purposely not watching Letterman last night. his guests were billy fucking crystal and johnny fucking damon. if i were making a list of the 10 worst people in the history of the universe, each of these guys would be a contender. god, can you just picture crystal in the fucking green room, with his shitty yankees hat on, and his shitty grandkid in his shitty lap, asking the dude for his autograph? and telling his kid, "that's a yankee, kid, that's a yankee" and getting so excited he wets his fucking pants? i can imagine it. why? because billy crystal is such a fucking moron he completely forgets that johnny damon was 5/10 of the reason the yankees got their asses kicked in 2004. literally. he scored 5/10 runs in game 7 of the alcs. i hate billy crystal. steve martin, robin williams and bill murray need to have a collective intervention and tell the shitbag to just pack it up and go away.

*phew*

tomorrow's passover, so i'm a little stressed. for the 11th consecutive year i'll be leading a goddamn seder. i ran out of material a long time ago, but these people don't seem to notice, or care. as bill hicks used to say: "time to plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time." happy pesach, everybody!

i also want to say that today is opening day at fenway. happy opening day everybody!

so...

2006-04-10T10:55:00.000-05:00

so my fantasy team kicked ass this week, there was a fun weekend in providence, and i'm working on a monday, ugh.

isn't this all fascinating? wouldn't you love it if i didn't labor through another blog post?

eh? eh? aw, whatever. track it over to papichusetts.

i am trying to go deaf.

2006-04-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

yes, i am turning up the volume on my ipod because i want to go deaf. because i don't want to listen to you anymore. you, on the train. you, on the street. you, in line behind me at the post office. shut the fuck up. you are annoying. and loud. and no one cares about how your laptop doesn't work. and no one cares that your mom and dad were late sending your rent check. and no one cares that you have, like, 12 papers to write.

i am trying to go deaf. because the alternative is knowing too much about you.

anyhoo, check out today's welcome to papichusetts.

this blog's days are numbered.

keeping it all in balance.

2006-04-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

i hate my blog and i hate that it's snowing and i hate that it's cold but i like the red sox and i like ice cream and i like my girlfriend so i guess everything's in balance right now. but if it doesn't stop snowing that ice cream better watch itself.

cogs versus wogs versus wags versus

2006-04-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

i haven't run out of things to say but i think i have run out of the desire to come up with things to say. maybe i've run out of energy, too. this whole act of blogging is pointless self-flagellation. yet another aimless attempt to make ordinary cogs in a machine feel important enough to continue to ignore the massive conjob being perpetrated upon them by capitalism, fascism disguised as pseudo-democracy, and cable TV.

or maybe it's just raining and i'm in a bad mood.

one good blog deserves another.

2006-04-03T07:45:00.000-05:00

*sigh*

using one blog to plug another.

today's my favorite day of the year, friends. opening day.

drop by Welcome to Papichusetts.

happy friday

2006-03-31T14:11:00.000-05:00

nothing much doing but i've been asked by my friends at round online if i want to do a red sox blog/column for this season. of course i said yes and then they asked what i want to call it. hell, i don't frigging know. any suggestions?

everybody hates a part-time blog.

2006-03-30T13:30:00.000-05:00

i saw that tonight at 8pm, UPN is rerunning an episode of Everybody Hates Chris called "Everybody Hates a Part-Time Job." i liked this episode so much when i watched it, i almost wrote a whole blog post about it, then forgot. it is, i think, the best episode of anything, all year. check it out tonight or torrent that shit!

i could have recorded "kind of blue."

2006-03-30T09:49:00.000-05:00

seems like don cheadle may play miles davis in an upcoming biopic. aside from the increasingly troubling issue of copycat musician biopics, doesn't it seem like a) cheadle would be the perfect choice and b) if he can miles, he can almost definitely play me?

cheadle, you will be mine.

i mean, you'll be in my movie.

about me.

starring you.

as me.

thursday!

why? because they're driving me insane.

2006-03-28T12:38:00.000-05:00

i know my mission in life now. i'm going to start my own theatre:

the No Old People Theatre.

no patrons over the age of 50 allowed (over 40 if they're jewish). sorry, mom.

these are the people i have to listen to all day on the phone, these are the people who cause us the most hassle and aggravation, these are exactly the wrong people who should be seeing plays.

you can begin sending your non-tax-deductable donations now. hopefully, the capital campaign will kick-off in earnest by 2007.

busy busy busy

2006-03-28T11:19:00.000-05:00

such a busy day! andy card resigns, caspar weinberger dies -- but why don't i just relay this further-depressing news about tom, katie and scientology's birth practices?

because you want your child to be as maladjusted as possible right from birth.

thanks to rhiannon for passing on the creepyness

at least DS9 is on.

2006-03-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

it's monday morning and i'm becoming worried that i've run out of interest in this blog, or at least things to complain about. i'll just say that i spent part of the weekend getting reacquainted with my hatred and distrust of scientology (something everyone should get reacquainted with) and feeling plenty of disgust over sean o'malley's recent cardinalization. i mean, seriously, fuck that guy. churches are being closed, he's butting his useless ass into government issues he has no real say over (except for that of an ordinary voter -- if he's even registered in massachusetts), and this fucker gets a ring? screw him; catholics rise up and beat down your oppressors.

other than that, i may be coming down with a cold. begin your sympathy now!

"we hate it when our friends become successful."

2006-03-24T12:28:00.000-05:00

it's a smiths song.

so, today i was going to rant about scientology, or about sean o'malley, but i've decided to save those for later. instead, i want to take a loose poll. it seems some of my friends have gotten sort of famous for weird reasons. for example, they either provide free mass marketing for a yet-unreleased-soon-to-be-cult-film, or they provide free mass marketing for an already-ridiculously-successful-book-and-film-franchise.

so -- who do you think is more famous?

BRIAN from SNAKESONABLOG.COM?

or

PAUL AND JOE from HARRY AND THE POTTERS?

it all comes down to this: are you an internet movie geek or a punk rock children's book geek?

post your votes in the comments section.

a few thoughts (sorry for the capitalization).

2006-03-23T22:20:00.000-05:00

first, listening to NPR makes me want to PUT MY FUCKING FIST THROUGH THE RADIO.

second, listening to these smug, snot-nosed pseudo-intellectuals makes me want to PUT MY FUCKING FIST THROUGH SMUG, SNOT-NOSED PSEUDO-INTELLECTUALS.

third, they actually GUFFAWED. they GUFFAW on NPR. up until now, i thought GUFFAW was a colorful adjective used exclusively to describe how characters in new yorker cartoons laugh.

fourth, what the FUCK are we all going to tell our children about the early decades of the internet and what the fuck are we going to tell them about Snakes On A Plane?

hopefully, the terrorists will have won by then.

snakes on a White Guilt Radio

2006-03-23T22:12:00.000-05:00

if you can stand to listen to a bunch of obnoxious, self-important, smug NPR (our motto: "we sometimes have black people on!") losers, then check out this segment on Snakes On A Plane, featuring my good friend who runs snakes on a blog.

the internet is way too apeshit about this movie.

well ain't that a kick in the.

2006-03-22T15:41:00.000-05:00

although it's unsettling that he wound up with the Colts, i say good for adam vinatieri for getting the kind of money that he wanted. the bottom line is this; he earned his payday, and i'm sure glad the patriots didn't give it to him. i know he's kicked the 3 most important clutch kicks in football history -- do you really think there are going to be any more? at the end of the day, he's a kicker. and you don't pay a kicker 7.5 million over 3 years. that's just ridiculous. once again, the patriots prove that they are the smartest, best run team in football. would any one of the fans have paid A.V. what he wanted? abso-fucking-lutely. which is why we're not successful football franchise owners.

again, i'm happy for him. he got the money he felt he deserved. in reality, he doesn't deserve that much. and for the record, this does not even remotely improve the indianapolis colts, or their quarterback. i hope vinatieri realizes his sacrifice: money for rings. he's never going to win another one -- but he'll be able to buy a ton of them.

nothing is new

2006-03-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

i know, i know. what do you want from me? the lights in my room went out, i left the window open last night in 20 degree weather, there was no hot water this morning and it's only tuesday. write your own freaking blog.

(happy birthday jason!)

what a non-shocker shocker

2006-03-20T12:53:00.000-05:00

the bronson arroyo era is over.

can anyone say they're really shocked? of course not. the problem is; once we did the beckett deal and once wells stopped acting like a frigging five-year-old, arroyo was destined for long-relief -- and i was pretty satisfied with that. so what happens now? papelbon does a year of bullpen until wells retires? i guess that's okay -- but clement better be a 15-win fifth starter.

i'll bet schilling is none too pleased to lose the guy he once said "had balls the size of Saturn."

i'll trust theo on this one. for now.

good news all around

2006-03-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

rhiannon got into grad school and BU was smart enough to make it possible for her to go. hooray!

also, i got a play into the boston theater marathon. hooray!

also, the sky is filled with gumdrops and the streets are paved with rainbows and sunshine. what the hell is happening to me?

happy st. patty's day, all.

it begins...

2006-03-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

...with shoulder tendonitis. it ends with yet another huge financial miscalculation for the new york yankees:

johnny damon's arm will fall off by July 1.

yesterday donuts, today cell phones

2006-03-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

my phone went kaput. don't know why, don't know how, just kaput. the screen, you see, became unreliable. so i march into the cingular store to buy a new phone, whatever's cheap. only, see, i'm a former AT&T wireless customer and we got bought by cingular last year. so i can't get a new phone. i have to re-up my plan. i said "so, this means i can go to some other company, doesn't it?" and of course the guy says no and i need a phone now and i'm not interested in leaving the store, finding out he's right, and coming back with my head hung low. so i had to sign a new 2-year contract, get the cheapest phone they have ($50 after taxes, measley $30 rebate, if i ever get it), and am now stuck with a service i hate for 18 extra months.

thanks a lot, technology. thanks a whole frigging lot. first came the cell phones, then came the cell phone racket.

one day i'm going to stop living like this. i swear i'll head for the woods. they're giving me little choice and my patience is wearing thin.

how did it all turn so sour?

2006-03-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

my mom and i had lunch near wellington circle yesterday and we drove by the now-abandoned Medford Krispy Kreme and i became filled with an unspeakable rage. see, for years, i had been enthralled by the tales spun by travelers from southern areas, who spoke of golden-brown cloud-like sweet treats, lolling down conveyer belts -- tasty delights that melted into one's mouth like a sugary whisper -- and of bright, flashing signs that announced to the world: HOT DONUTS NOW.

when i heard Krispy Kreme was planning on setting up shop in america's greatest city, i was ecstatic.

until i heard they were going to tear down the Wellington Circle Bickford's first.

"but... but..." i thought, "but... but... that's my Bickford's. open 24 hours on the weekends! the after-movie Bickford's! the driving-around-until-2am-and-now-we-want-French-Toast Bickford's!"

"still," i thought, "i am willing to make the sacrifice."

so they came. and they set up shop. and there were lines, oh yes, there were lines. and for several months, there were donuts. oh yes, there were donuts. at parties? donuts. red sox playoff games? donuts. donuts, donuts, donuts. and guess what, my friends?

they sucked. that's right, you heard me. Krispy Kreme donuts fucking suck. they're disgusting. they taste like a giant glob of artificial sweetener. the first one was fantastic because it was free. after that, they just plain made me sick. i started to get ill whenever i smelled them. just flat-out gross. too sweet. no substance. unpalatable, undesirable, unbelievably overrated.

so they kept coming. this time, they demolished Russo's candies on route 1. Russo's fucking candies! on route 1! a new england fucking tradition. guess what happened to that location? closed.

three years later, Krispy Kreme is in financial disrepair. they didn't anticipate the atkins craze, they say. their stockholders are suing them, and they didn't do half as well in new england as they'd projected. so, after having destroyed our new england classics, they are now escaping, tales between their legs, leaving us a little less of what we once were, thanks to their shiftless, no-good southern hedonistic bacchanalian donut practices. to hell with you, Krispy Kreme. may you and your saccharine donuts rot in hell. i want my French Toast Supreme back, you sons of bitches. you've left a hole in me that no munchkin could fill.

long live Dunkin' Donuts!

so here's what i've learned...

2006-03-12T10:02:00.000-05:00

nobody wants to be a platypus. that's so sad. and wrong, you're all damn, damn wrong.

noble platypus, i salute you!

survey's still up...

2006-03-10T07:34:00.000-05:00

and it's not going away until i get at least 8 responses. real ones...
happy friday!

"would ya like to take a survey?"

2006-03-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

i started this blog because i was jealous of crazymonk's blog and the fact that it generated so much discussion and activity. his blog is also a good way for some friends who now live far apart to stay in touch. so i wanted to start my own blog that would do the same things. it doesn't seem to be working. now, every once in a while someone will tell me offhandedly "i read your blog the other day." cool, nice, but i need more immediate gratification than that. when i did college radio, the only way you knew if people were listening was if they called you and told you they were listening.

in that vein, i would like it if anyone reading this would fill out the survey and post their answers in the comments section. it is anonymous and i would really appreciate your honesty -- and would love it if you didn't give fake, stupid answers (i'm looking at you, merv). here we go:

1. Where do you live? (e.g. Anytown, ST)
2. How often do you read this blog?
3. Do you know me?
4. If you could be any animal, would it definitely be a platypus?
5. If not, why not?
6. What did you eat for lunch yesterday?
7. Seriously, you should consider being a platypus.

Thanks for participating!

and it's the only thing from the 70's that i like.

2006-03-08T08:40:00.000-05:00

the hancock tower, designed by i.m. pei and celebrating its 30th anniversary this year, is easily my favorite building in boston. i imagine that's true of a lot of people. i am lucky enough to see it every day -- which was also true when i lived in somerville and when i was growing up in malden because, like the prudential, it stands stalwart over the entire greater boston area, visible from miles around. of course, my current view is much better -- and because i work often in the south end, i pass by it almost daily.

it's perfectly reflective and on a clear day, it makes an extraordinarily striking picture, cutting the skyline with razor-sharp angles -- occasionally "disappearing" as you walk by, leaving a zipper in the fabric of space. it's downright futuristic. i guess most things in the 70's were. you can read more about here.

i was early for a play the other day and happened to have my camera, so i took some glamour shots.

this is the razor. if you're from out of town, at some point walking down boylston street, once you pass the copy cop and CVS, you realize that the skyscraper to your right has disappeared, leaving only the cardboard-cut-out of itself.

the smoker's view. this is the nook that creates the blue-ish stripe facing copley square. there's a similar one on the other side. smokers stand here and, i imagine, dare themselves to not look up.

a traditional view. i like this shot because it emphasizes the side-car part of the building that provides a pavilion-like base to the block. also, this makes it look like a place where business happens. i guess it does, i don't really know what's inside.

i tried to get a shot of the broad side that would leave confusion about where the horizontal roof axis and vertical wall axis meet. i didn't quite get it, but when you walk past it on clarendon street, and look up, the whole thing loses form and becomes a weird plane of refracted sky. it's like, fucking tron or something. (if you squint, you can see the daylight crescent moon, tiny, on the left.)

at this point, i feel i should publicly thank snakes on a blog, which hosts all of my images and files. check it out, and find out why there are snakes on the got-damn plane!

"forget the candles, you'll set off the fire alarm!"

2006-03-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

today is my dad's birthday. the old man would have been 63. that blows my mind; i can't really picture him as a 63-year-old man. similarly, i can hardly picture him as a 23-year-old man. he's forever 52 (which sounds like the name of a cheesey retro-diner) -- white-haired in a ring around his bald spot, broad and tall, wearing those 70's-style coke bottle glasses. he was that way when i was born, he was that way when he died. he might be the only person i've known who never changed. that's a foolish thing to say; of course he did, i'm sure, in many ways. just not from my perspective. that's a strange and comforting thought.

here are some things he would have hated:

- bush
- cell phones
- SUVs
- reality TV
- episodes i - iii
- mitt
- the last several seasons of the simpsons

here are some things he probably would have liked:

- digital cameras
- DVDs
- buying books at amazon
- futurama
- gary
- trying to get us to call him "big papi"
- pope and anti-pope
- that i worked at hillel (he would have thought it funny)
- spider-man and spider-man 2
- the kraft and belichick patriots
- lost
- kavalier and clay
- the twilights of bill murray and steve martin
- may 20, 2001

happy birthday, steve.

i saw 7:45am today and i'm surprised it still exists.

2006-03-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

"Today is a lovely day to run
Start up the car with the sun
Packing blankets and dirty sheets
A roomful of dust and a broom to sweep up
All the troubles you and i have seen."

--eels.

a wrap-up, in brief

2006-03-06T08:41:00.000-05:00

honestly, isn't it like the biggest non-upset upset in years? how were we surprised that crash took best picture? it had all the momentum going into february -- ang was going to get best director, so brokeback was at least getting a top-2 award. of course hollywood was going to want to spread the lefty-love around and honor a picture that is so fundamentally l.a. responsibility-chic. which is not to say i didn't like it -- i did, if you recall my review here -- but it's amazing how when you don't pick something in the pool, you can turn against it when it wins.

it was a very good film and a very good choice. but brokeback boosters are understandably disappointed. don't be -- it still won two big awards, as did crash, and they are ultimately both wins for smart, issue-facing filmmaking. notice i didn't say "issue-solving."

as for the oscars themselves, jon stewart of course did a fine job. very funny (were we worried?) and some of the presenters were fantastically kooky (stiller, carrell and farrell, tomlin and streep) -- but the most amazing thing was the fucking running time! it was over before 11:30! how in the name of billy crystal did they pull that off?! my theory: only 3 nominations for best song. therefore, 3 short performances. easily takes 10 minutes off the clock. if you skim down on some of the opening (which they have, ever since billy crystal's last epic video-plus-too-long-intro-medley), you might get out by midnight. and they did -- well before. so, good for oscar.

oh, and jay's mom won the pool. she went 17-for-24!! that's ridiculous! congratulations to her -- the rest of us never had a chance.

oscar the pool.

2006-03-03T09:28:00.000-05:00

i hate being sick. that's a stupid thing to say, yet true. i'm a big baby when i get sick -- i'm grumpy and slow and i use it as an excuse to not do things: "i don't want to read that book, i'm sick." "i don't want to go to the store, i'm sick," and so forth. but i'm getting over it gradually. actually, once i learned how to take care of myself a few years ago (instead of just ignoring the cold), i don't stay sick for very luck. hooray for me; hooray for vitamin c.

anyway, i really shouldn't do this, as it may reveal too much of my hand regarding the upcoming oscar pool, but here are my picks of what will win, not what i want to win, in key categories:

supporting actress. not as much of a wild-card this year as supporting actor. the only three contenders are rachel weisz, catherine keener, and amy adams. adams hasn't generated even a fraction of the buzz expected, so she's out. i just don't see the academy giving capote two awards, so that leaves rachel weisz, who already won the golden globe. so, there you go.

supporting actor. the tide is turning to clooney. makes sense, since the academy will want to honor his political domination of the ballot -- and the best, easiest way to do that is with this award. unfortunately, the "retroactive oscar" rule is still in effect, and giamatti is the front-runner. color me surprised if clooney wins, but not shocked. i'm going with a. bartlett's son.

actress. if you pick anyone other than reese witherspoon, you just haven't been paying attention. it's the only award walk the line is going to get.

actor. hoffman, hoffman, hoffman. these are two of the three locks of the night -- and this one qualifies as "mortal lock."

original screenplay. the winner in this category is crash and it's heavily tied to the best picture debate. not because it's up against brokeback, but because it's up against itself. more on that later.

adapted screenplay. c'mon, you really don't think the headlines will be "brokeback wins big?"

best director. ang lee, for crouching tiger and brokeback (but in my opinion, for hulk and ice storm.) dude, he's a lock. he's got a top-2 contender for best picture, and he fits the retro-rule.

best picture. they're not splitting this year. they just aren't. now, the conventional temperature has crash making a case from the rear (which should apply to brokeback, come to think of it), but my opinion is to always go with what would have won 3 months ago -- and crash didn't get noticed by the academy until it was nominated. but, they'll want to honor it, which is why it will win original screenplay, hands down.

okay, now that i've given away my picks, i should point out that i have never won an oscar pool. there, that ought to keep me safe on sunday. apologies in advance for this...

good night, and good luck.

pity me!

2006-03-01T12:50:00.000-05:00

i'm on a sick day. the day part is nice but the sick part sure ain't. suck you, cold season.

today, i want to revisit Episode III

2006-02-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

"why?," you may ask. well, i just bought it on dvd and watched it last night. it's significant to note that it's the only movie from the second trilogy that i felt i wanted to own. there's a reason for that: it's not great... but it's not bad.

think of it this way. the only major problem with Revenge of the Sith was a completely predictable one, once you walked out of Attack of the Clones. lucas left himself with no time to do everything he needed to do. so the issue with III is that it's too short.

well, not too short -- but too condensed. see, Sith plays out like a highlight reel from a mythology-based tv show (think of a "catch-up" episode of lost.) it's a great outline for -- gasp -- a trilogy. and that's the tragedy; lucas couldn't see that he didn't need a beginning as much as he needed a backstory. the first 2 films waste 5 hours establishing who met who and when -- why bother? he was so astute to tag Star Wars as "Episode IV" in the opening -- a clever throwback to the old-timey serials he so loved. why did he think that an "Episode I" started with a character's "birth" or "origin?" we'll never know, and it's a damn shame.

Sith brings the confidence back, the cavalier nature of being thrown into a long-standing mythology, without the kinks of newness. what a great 3-film arc it could have been. film 1: the war, the world, the relationships. film 2: the lust for power, the fear of losing his wife, the turn to the dark side. film 3: the hunting down of the jedi and the empire's takeover. bing, bang, boom. take out the idiocy of the "secret marriage" and make it an intriguing triangle. leave out the amateurish political claptrap. recast natalie portman and hayden christensen.

that last one isn't fair, at least not to christensen. he's not half as terrible as you think he is. actually, his hair makes the film work. yes, his hair. believe it or not, his long-70's-ish hair is representative of lucas remembering where he came from: schlocky 70's sci-fi and fantasy. the leather tunics, too. it all works and made me enjoy Sith as the only true "prequel," but one that, as i said, reads as a series of clippings, scattered scenes from before the empire.

a couple of random thoughts:

-it's ian mcdiarmid's movie, and he chews it up magnificently
-the "nnnnooooooooo!," while ridiculous, isn't that bad a 2nd time
-adding peter cushing at the end, as Grand Moff Tarkin, was inspired
-i wish r2d2, c3po and chewbacca had been left alone. ditto the fetts.
-yoda comes off as a total wuss in Sith, like a pouty quitter
-the shot from anakin's POV as the mask comes down is perfect
-i have no intention of buying I or II
-i am a nerd

detailing my future failed celebrity marriages.

2006-02-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

sarah vowell. we hit it off immediately upon meeting at a MoveOn.org benefit at john flansburgh's house. small ceremony in williamsburg; ira glass was the maid of honor. things got tense soon after bush left office and i realized i wasn't that much of a lefty after all. also, she hated my constant "i'd like to buy a vowell" jokes and the fact that i'd tell people at parties that my favorite they might be giants song was "particle man." irreconcilable differences; settlement awards the house and victrola to her, procures me half of the royalties from her 2nd book on Chester A. Arthur's high school years.

brittany murphy. the honeymoon was over, literally, when i realized i'd married one of the chipettes. legal restrictions keep me from commenting extensively but suffice it to say there's a reason the girl play crazy so well.

zach braff. worked for craft services on the set of his third film, fell in love with his boyish enthusiasm and yet sophisticated indie-rock influenced artistry. he grew detached when working on the screenplay for his planned remake of exodus set in new jersey. it was over long before he started sleeping with casey affleck.

haylie duff. full confession: this was merely a revenge play on hilary, devised by both parties, for her shady financial dealings and resentment over her marriage to nick cannon. amicable split once hilary went into rehab for the 5th time and control over the duff empire fell to the younger sib.

casey affleck. mutual hatred of zach braff and love of kelly's french fries. long-running jabs about my "fake" vegetarianism (since i eat fish) grew too much to handle, however, and my refusal to go vegan never sat well with him. bump into him sometimes at fenway and share some tofu pups we've grilled up in the bleachers.

brittany murphy. this time, i think it could work!

here's what you missed.

2006-02-26T14:52:00.000-05:00

part one

part two

be warned: big-ass files.

since you asked for it...

2006-02-23T21:36:00.000-05:00

when i was in college, i had a computer. and that computer just could not open its pudding by itself. hilarity ensued.

one from the vault.

2006-02-23T08:18:00.000-05:00

here's a blast from the past. "e pluribus eliot" was a piece i recorded for a radio art class way back in '99. it's rather pretentious, sort of the audio equivalent of a student film. but i enjoy it and if you have 7 minutes to spare, perhaps you will too. the text is by t.s. eliot and it features the voices of several friends, including one who isn't quite human.

e pluribus eliot

handicapping the odds on who would play me in the movie.

2006-02-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

philip seymour hoffman, 2:1.
his value is about to skyrocket once he wins the oscar for capote, but a long-favored choice to play me in the movie. after all, he's geeky, rotund and fruity enough to make it a natural fit. used to get him confused with john c. reilly. he might need to dye his hair -- or, uh, get rid of it.

don cheadle, 5:1.
i know it's a longshot but he's my personal favorite and if i'm making the final decision, he gets the call. can't you just see him bringing the detached cool to the nerdy? i just think he could capture the neurosis and the sardonic i-could-care-less-about-y'all wit all at once. one condition -- if cheadle plays me, luis guzman has to play jay.

meryl streep, 13:1.
this was casey's suggestion, and though i was irked at first, it's not a bad one. she's certainly got the chops -- and she did play the old rabbi in angels in america. so, possibly. at the very least, she can play my 3rd or 4th wife, the one right before i spiral out of control into drugs, alcohol and petty thuggery. look at that picture, too. don't she look fantastic?

denzel washington, 26:1.
not. listen, i'm not even a denzel fan. whatever. he can play gary or something. while we're at it, peter sarsgaard plays casey, clooney plays merv, the tall kid from freaks and geeks plays brian, mark ruffalo plays marco, jon plays himself. jackie hoffman plays my mom. jack black plays my brother (he already did in orange county). matt damon plays jeff.

other excellent candidates to play me:
-tobey maguire
-jake gyllenhaal
-gallagher
-edward norton
-samuel l. jackson
-william h. macy
-kenan thompson
-rich arum

and let's face it, that last one is, like, 1:1 odds.

places i think about moving to (while i sit at work doing nothing for little pay)

2006-02-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

in no preferential order:

1. l.a.
2. brooklyn
3. d.c.
4. oregon
5. austin
6. san francisco
7. london
8. israel
9. winnipeg
10. the midwest
11. jamaica plain

slow presidents. (day).

2006-02-20T12:22:00.000-05:00

and i'm at work. it's going to be very, very quiet -- and i'm getting time and a half. plus a paid holiday on wednesday. so it's cool.

the other day i saw guys changing the billboard across the street from me. here's some photos. happy presidents' day!

"van gocch? van GOCCH??"

2006-02-19T09:35:00.000-05:00

an explanation:

sometimes in high school i draw a pants factory shaped as a giant pair of pants. it is not really a factory, however, but rather the headquarters of the revolution.

2006-02-18T23:27:00.000-05:00

moi, je ne comprend pas

2006-02-18T01:57:00.000-05:00

pay attention
ecoutez
for the last time
le dernier temps
parce que je t'aime
and i don't wish to repeat myself
(moi-meme)
i am no one's idea
of a good time
and i am not
the solution
to your problems
and in 20 degree weather
i found the address
and that
c'est ca
is a
fait d'accompli
but i wish to acknowledge
that it was sheer
coincidence
and fortune
that i did not freeze
to death
(mourir)
and amazing
that i found
my way home
(bien!)
but do not mistake
my valour
and my vigour
and my vapidity
for anything other
than survival
and interest
in a sea of
c'est la vie.

bon nuit

you know what makes me feel better?

2006-02-17T09:46:00.000-05:00

new strings on my guitar. it's like getting a new guitar!

you know what would make me feel way better?

getting a new guitar.

employees only.

2006-02-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

how did i wind up back here?
with teeth marks in my left arm
as i try to gnaw it off
as a means to escape
when i just want back
all the things and people i've lost
so that i can arrange them
on my coffee table
in alphabetical order
and remember them fondly
before i break them into pieces
one more time
and the drifters had the right idea
when they sang that advice
so i climb invisible stairs
risking eviction and worse
i feel lamely for the stucco wall
until i can see the sign that reads
"employees only"
and i think
"fuck it,
because i'm an employee
and it's crushing me
out of spite."

hey, you know what i like?

2006-02-15T16:21:00.000-05:00

when a dog's riding shotgun and he's sitting normally on the passenger's side and he just looks like a guy riding in a car. now that shit is funny.

today i want to talk about screech.

2006-02-15T09:16:00.000-05:00

that's right, screech. samuel "screech" powers. dustin diamond. that kid started playing screech in 1987 on a show called "good morning miss bliss" on the disney channel. he continues on "saved by the bell" on NBC from 1989 to 1993, does an episode of "saved by the bell: the college years" and a handful of "SBTB" tv movies, and then joins the cast of "saved by the bell: the new class" from 1993 to 2000. that kid played screech for 13 years! 13 years!

so my question is this: what's the big fucking deal about kelsey grammer?

"you won't believe in me but you would fancy leprechauns or groundhogs..."

2006-02-14T14:22:00.000-05:00

roses are red
violets are blue
today is tuesday
and i'm unflinchingly dour.
and kind of a jerk.

okay, kids, let's go over this again...

2006-02-13T21:16:00.000-05:00

CANDLEPIN BOWLING IS NOT REAL BOWLING. fuck all y'all that says otherwise.

and catfish is not really a cat nor a fish. it's a marsupial and a homonym.

hey mr. peabody, when is it time to change the strings on your guitar?

2006-02-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

the answer is simple, sherman: when you've been playing for 15 minutes before realizing there's blood all over it.

"thank you god for the snowstorm... and thank you mom for the money..."

2006-02-13T08:47:00.000-05:00

...adapted Ed lyrics.

so, it was a pretty lame birthday, but not entirely unwelcome. the only time i left the house was to get the paper in the morning. after that, it was movies, cds and reading all day. a little bit of the pro-bowl, a little bit of the celtics. a lot of emailing about snakes on a plane. here are a couple of short reviews:

belle and sebastian. the life pursuit.
i have a friend named ... let's say ... blasey. and blasey makes a frown whenever the subject of the recent belle and sebastian material comes up. see, he misses the old, wimpy sounding torch song records. where everything was quiet and simple and sad and sounded like it was recorded in a velvet room with shag carpeting. well, i like that stuff, too. but as one of the band members writes in the liner notes: "are you still doing what you did 9 years ago?" the life pursuit isn't as solidly rockish as dear catastrophe waitress, and i rather think case--er--blasey-- should consider picking it up. it's a tour de force that launches from over-produced (in a nice way) cacophonies to some fuzzy rock to some rootsy shit and back to some of those simple soft ballads of B&S yore. it's a pastiche, really, of "here's what we can do," and it has a very mixed sound. i like it. much.

nightmare of you. nightmare of you.
i can't believe that this album came out a year ago and nobody talked about it all year, and i had to be listening to the radio at midnight on a saturday in order to hear these guys. in a way, i'm glad, since the traditional pattern is: jeremy likes something nobody's heard of, jeremy tells all his friend about it, six months later, it's famous and overplayed and overhyped, jeremy remembers when he was the only one who knew about it, jeremy gets pissed off. well, it's not going to happen with nightmare of you, dammit! sorry, guys, you're doomed to obscurity. i hope.

actually, i don't hope. from the second you start the album, you know you're listening to something great. remember when i compared them with, in one sentence, the church, the cure, world party, semisonic and fountains of wayne? it goes way deeper. nightmare of you has captured that rare ability to sound a bit like a million different things and like something totally unique, all at once. it's amazing. what a confident, loud, brilliant record! i love it when brandon reilly cat-howls like robert smith, i love it when they toss in a guitar riff worthy of a new order loop, i love that their album has a weird theme of sexual deviance and absurdly graphic violence, without sounding stupid, purposely controversial, or korn-ish. i love it that every song has a catchy-as-hell chorus, one of which heavily relies on the word "bathroom." i love these fucking guys. i don't know if i'm crazy or not, but this has to be one of the best albums of 2005. check it out.

hustle and flow.
"you know it's hard out here for a pimp,
when you're tryin' to get this money for the rent,
for the cadillacs and gas money spent,
because a whole lot of bitches talkin' shit."
thank you craig brewer for putting a new twist on an old cliche -- this movie is about a pimp with a heart of gold. i liked it, a lot, but did anybody believe that this pimp wouldn't have laid the smack down on some of them ho's for the shit they was talkin'? no, didn't think so. anyway, barring that small point aside (a sacrifice of authenticity for sympathy's sakes), hustle and flow is a solid, memorable picture from this year. i especially liked anthony anderson (he's in my pilot script for "the andre 3000 show" as the kooky best friend) and the way they tried to capture some joy in the hip-hop studio process. i'm looking forward to the performance of "it's hard out here for a pimp" at the oscars. if only chris rock was hosting again.

the pro bowl.
nobody gives a shit about the pro bowl.

holla!

some thoughts on cinderella man

2006-02-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

1. good. much better than i would have expected. mostly, i liked how it was less a boxing movie and more of a depression-movie. at least for the first 1h45m.

2. sometimes i wonder about how people in modern movies about old-timey days speak and act like they're in old-timey movies -- instead of how people back then would have actually spoken and acted. this movie soooorta suffers from that early on -- but it eases out of it.

3. giamatti is deserving of the oscar he's going to get. oddly enough, crowe is deserving too. i wouldn't have minded joaquin phoenix getting lobbed off and crowe being in there instead. both good performances -- but i think crowe had more fun and inhabited more of a character than a personality, a la phoenix in walk the line. it's hard to quantify these things -- but i get the feeling like crowe had the benefit of playing a guy long out of the collective memory. i liked his accent, too.

4. "schenectady" is one of the best words ever.

5. it's funny how they spent so much time making max baer seem like such an asshole -- i'm not saying he might not have been. but the other guys he fights in the movie all seem like schmucky stand-ins, and it made me think how strange it is that in a boxing movie, we always root for the main character to beat the shit out of some other dude -- what did that other dude do wrong? i want to see a movie about all of the opponents in boxing movies -- and how their hopes and dreams and their lives and families are crushed by getting beat down by the hero of some other boxing movie.

6. once -- just once -- i want to see a new biopic that doesn't have those shitty titles at the end telling us "what happened next." i dare someone to not do that. i fucking double-dog-dare them.

oh the weather outside is frightful...

2006-02-12T11:24:00.000-05:00

today's a special day, kids. it's the 15th, 19th, 22nd, 23rd and 25th anniversaries of when major snowstorms ruined my birthday. next year it will be the one-year anniversary of the most recent time.

no brunch for me.

up on route 1, they don't care, they'll do what they want.

2006-02-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

3:33pm. bored at work, i send the following email to merv: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT DO YOU WANT TO GO TO KOWLOON?!"

3:46pm. merv replies: "HOLY SHIT YES I DO." we agree to get a family trip together and all the fellas are interested.

8:55pm. arrive at kowloon, put our name in for 5. jay and casey play ms. pacman. rich comes in and is impressed. i mean, it's kowloon. eventually, we are seated in a corner booth, near the boat, where we can see older people dancing. the band with a female singer is playing a swingy cover of "my funny valentine." i think a guy on the other side of the restaurant looks like rob reiner.

9:15pm. scorpion bowl #1. 4 straws. rich has a beer. the band with a female singer is now singing a madonna song. we all notice a large group of high school kids, clearly from a drama group (they are all wearing makeup and have products in their hair -- it must have been opening night). they are dancing. merv is looking. i am trying to avoid looking. they are having a nice time. they are probably from saugus.

9:40pm. appetizers. we have ordered too much food and much of it is deep fried. merv at this point thinks he sees a guy we went to high school with, but he never mentions it until the end of the night. the band with the female singer takes a break.

9:55pm. scorpion bowl #2 and entrees. yes, we have ordered too much food, but it's gone quickly enough. we are all terrible. the band has resumed. a bowling league has arrived and they are now dancing. so are the high school kids.

10:20pm. all plates are empty. the discussion turns to (first) who would play us in the movie and (second) who we would all be in various sitcoms. at various points it is agreed that i would be played in the movie by philip seymour hoffman, don cheadle, or meryl streep; and that in various sitcoms i would be: carla on cheers, sofia on the golden girls, louie on taxi, and george on seinfeld. that last one is pretty obvious. i am upset about the carla thing, the sofia thing, and to a certain extent, the meryl streep thing.

10:30pm. the band with the female singer starts playing a fleetwood mac song that has lately become of some import to me. i laugh and neither the author nor reader fully appreciate why. the second scorpion bowl is a distant memory. the check arrives. it sits for a long while. we are now arguing about which muppets we would be.

10:50pm. merv takes us on some wild goose chase through the heart of the restaurant as he reveals that he thought he saw someone from high school. none of us corroborate his story.

10:55pm. we make it out of there alive. amazing how the kowloon empties out. it's cold. we crowd into merv's car but not before i insist on a choral rendition of the birthday song that is traditional since someone's grandfather sang it over an answering machine about 7 years ago. it is not the birthday song you know.

12:13am. it is dark in here and i am tired and i must go to work tomorrow. here's hoping for no snow.

everybody's working for the weekend...

2006-02-10T09:05:00.000-05:00

fridays, when i get my direct deposit, the following XTC lyrics sometimes go through my head:

"I can take humiliation
And hurtful comments from the boss
I'm just praying by the weekend
I can earn enough for us."

of course, i don't have a wife and kid to worry about, but you get the point.

did you know billy corgan was the kid on small wonder?

2006-02-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

as much as i hate to admit it, any discussion regarding the best albums of the 90's has to include mellon collie and the inifinite sadness. i find i'm drawn back to it again and again, though i never counted myself among smashing pumpkins fans. billy corgan is the ultimate wanker, a navel-contemplator to the nth degree, who seemed a lot more like a petulant child than a rocker. but rock he does, against all odds, i guess, and the pumpkins put out one of the decade's most lasting records.

most lasting in relevance, i mean. it's a great case for the double-album, as it never feels labored or superfluous -- 2 strong, stand-alone discs that connect in feel and theme. and it's a great roller coaster ride from lush-symphonic to pop-alt to punk-metal. and as idiotic as it sounds when spoken, the sung line "despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage," while not exactly highly poetic, is as truthful and honest and accurate as it gets.

so i don't know where on this fictional chart it ranks -- but it's probably in the top 10. other nominees? (see how long you can go before listing "in the aeroplane over the sea.")

what i ate for breakfast.

2006-02-08T14:13:00.000-05:00

cereal.

i've been eating cereal for the last few weeks, moving from smart start to basic 4 and then to this kashi thing that's these little round kibble-bits. that's right, kibble-bits or something. i mean, it's honey-toasted or something, not meat-flavored, but i couldn't shake the feeling that i was eating cat food. i'm shoveling this stuff down and in my head i'm screaming: "YOU'RE EATING CAT FOOD! STOP EATING CAT FOOD!"

but i couldn't. it's what was for breakfast.

i need it to be summer. soon.

a day in the life.

2006-02-07T09:41:00.000-05:00

all i do on my monday off is wake up, do my laundry, go to the supermarket, have lunch, watch tv, read for an hour or two, watch several episodes of the muppet show, eat dinner, watch a movie from netflix, watch the daily show and colbert, and go to sleep.

surely someone can get rich doing that. right?

mix cd update

2006-02-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

yeah, yeah, i know. eventually, ok? eventually.

supabowl.

2006-02-05T10:22:00.000-05:00

i had a dream last night that shaun alexander went to BC and i went to tufts and we lived in the same dorm. johnny wong and i ran into him at the supermarket and he bought us $1,200 worth of groceries.

i took this as an omen that the seahawks would win until i had a dream later that included the headline: "seahawks routed in 56-7 superbowl loss."

so... i guess i'm not putting money on this one, after all.

days of whine and poseurs

2006-02-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

fell asleep watching stephen colbert again last night. what the fuck happened to me? what happened to the nights when i'd be out until dawn, bouncing from rock show after-parties to after-after-parties, barely able to count the limes in my glass, swallowing whatever anyone gave me ("here, have one of these," "here, take one of those"), waking up in a different bed every day at 1:30 in the afternoon, not knowing which was the hot and cold faucets in the shower, throwing on the same clothes i wore last night and doing it all over again?

okay, that wasn't me, it was evan dando. but still. i used to be cool!

i used to go see movies that started at 11:30pm, man! what the fuck happened to me?

review: the strokes. "first impressions of earth."

2006-02-02T10:04:00.000-05:00

i don't want to get too much into it. it's what you'd expect: a step up from "room on fire," a step down from "is this it?" i think it's safe to say that since they've lost their greatest ally, the element of surprise, the strokes will probably never recapture that magic from the first time around. no choice but to grow up, i guess. it's not a bad record by any means -- a little plagued by 70's-ish grandiosity (epic liner notes; and it clocks in at 50 minutes), but otherwise a much more memorable collection than "room on fire." so they got that going for them.

here's my question, though: why is there a magnetic fields song dropped in the middle of the thing? it's like finding a cheetoh in a bag of fritos. for those of you who own the record, you know what i mean. for those that don't, download "ask me anything" and tell me that's not stephin merritt invading julian casablancas' privacy.

talking trees

2006-02-01T16:35:00.000-05:00

from the HAMAS charter:

"The Day of Judgment will not come about until Moslems fight Jews and kill them. Then, the Jews will hide behind rocks and trees, and the rocks and trees will cry out: 'O Moslem, there is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill him." (Article 7)

some responses in order

2006-02-01T09:48:00.000-05:00

...we are grateful for the good life of Coretta Scott King.

question: how many black men did you execute in texas as governor? how many black people died in new orleans because of your shitty administration's shitty response to a shitty thunderstorm? how many times have you spoken to or met with the NAACP? (answer to that last one: never.) so... fuck you.

Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal -- we seek the end of tyranny in our world. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism.

actually, i think seeking an end to tyranny around the globe is a noble, worthy and necessary cause. let's start at home by deposing unelected (i.e. tyrannical) leaders who let thousands of people die in a predicted terrorist attack, put our military at risk by launching them into 2 poorly planned conflicts, invade our privacy through unwarranted wiretapping, indefinitely detain "suspected" terrorists (i.e. "non-white people") sans habeas corpus, and, oh yeah, force their ludicrous religious beliefs on the entire nation.

There is no peace in retreat. And there is no honor in retreat.

no peace in retreat? no honor in retreat? does that mean you're promising us... peace with honor? why does that sound so familiar? wait -- hold the fucking phone. wait just a god-damn minute

peace...with HONOR?

did you seriously -- honestly, seriously -- quote RICHARD FUCKING NIXON?? regarding VIET-FUCKING-NAM??

this man is going to kill us all.

We are on the offensive in Iraq.

we're pretty offensive in iraq, all right.

Section: Dead Marine
Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay was killed last month fighting the enemy in Falluja. He left behind a letter to his family, but his words could just as well be addressed to every American. Here is what Dan wrote: "I know what honor is. It has been an honor to protect and serve all of you. I faced death with the secure knowledge that you would not have to ... Never falter! Don't hesitate to honor and support those of us who have the honor of protecting that which is worth protecting."

this is a sick, sick, SICK fucking LIE. that dead man did not write anything closely resembling republican militaristic policy. "never falter?" "NEVER FALTER!" show me the dead man's handwriting. show me the pen he used to write the fucking words "never falter" a couple of days before his ass got killed. i'll wear your wife's fucking wig and dance around in my altogether if he fucking wrote that. you are a fucking, fucking, FUCKING liar!

and did anyone else notice that sonofabitch WINKED at those people? and he SMIRKED? he SMIRKED THROUGH THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. every time he got applause, he smirked. HE SMIRKS MORE THAN DEREK FUCKING JETER.

and the dead marine family -- they stood up like good little terrified republicans and waved and put their hands over their hearts while the room "thanked them" for their "sacrifice" and that miserable pile of shit fucking WINKED at them.

here's a news flash: the nation is not grateful. i am not grateful. your loved one died in vain because i fucking say so. hope you enjoy the american flag and the canned ham.

And tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran.

he's going to kill us all.

It is said that prior to the attacks of September 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy.

YOU HAD A FUCKING MEMO! HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT IS IT TO CONNECT THE DOTS ON A MEMO, which i think was entitled: AL QAIDA TO FLY 2 PLANES INTO THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!

here's a brilliant fucking euphemism: "our government failed." nope, nope, NO FUCKING WAY.

YOU failed. YOU failed and people are dead. but i think that could have been forgiven if it weren't for ALL THE FUCKING OTHER DEAD PEOPLE YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR.

shit, i ended that with a preposition. i hate it when i'm ungrammatical! but at least...

The Iranian government is defying the world with its NUCULAR ambitions.

...i can pronounce fucking NUCLEAR. i swear to god, let them have the nukes. LET THEM HAVE THE NUKES IF THEY CAN PASS A FUCKING VERBAL TEST:

America (holding up sign that reads NUCLEAR): Pronounce this word.

Iran: Umm... New-Clee-Ar?

America: Here are the keys to your fucking bomb. Go to town.

and yes, i realize at this point that he does it to piss us off. news flash: that just makes it worse.

i could go on and on and on and on but my blood pressure is most likely through the roof and i strongly desire to live at least one year longer than my dad.

let me summarize:

-- we are living through the worst years of american history. not because of the body counts (they're not the highest) or because of the atrocities (not as bad as hiroshima or nagasaki) or because of the low quality of president (bush aspires to genocide, jackson actually enacted it). but because of the willful ignorance of the american people and the continuing arrogance of the men they have chosen to oppress us and the world.

and very few care.

and very few are working to end it.

and we have 1084 days left of this horrible, miserable, anti-american son of a bitch. is anyone going to hold him accountable for anything?

maybe his god will. eventually.

but somehow i doubt it.

state of the union

2006-01-31T22:07:00.001-05:00

my father survived nixon; i will survive you.

stovetop

2006-01-31T13:03:00.000-05:00

16 days to pitchers and catchers and we apparantly now have a shortstop. good for us. so, let me get this straight. the dodgers are now the red sox and the red sox are now the marlins? who are the marlins, then? oh, right, they're the miami little league all-stars.

some various monday business.

2006-01-30T11:22:00.000-05:00

some bits and pieces.

- saw richard in a prayer for owen meany at the stoneham theatre yesterday. excellent, excellent production of a very fine adaptation. color me impressed with all parties. probably one of the best things i've seen this season or last. sorry, sunday was the closing performance. wish i'd seen it sooner to recommend.

- update on mix CDs. (no one wanted a tape). sorry, it's slow going. you can't hurry love. i will now open it up to local friends if you want to get a CD. see the rules and requirements here.

- should have mentioned this a long while ago, but the internet has gone ape-shit for an awesome-sounding movie entitled... wait... snakes on a plane, starring... wait... samuel l. jackson. friend of mine has joined in the madness here, attempting to snag tickets for the LA premiere. snakes on a plane, baby, m***erf***ing snakes on a plane.

happy monday

last-minute bowling

2006-01-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

i bowled a 133 last night -- not necessarily a personal best, but a very strong showing. my average is somewhere around 85-90, i'm that bad. but last night i was dropping 'em right down the center. 2 strikes and maybe 5 spares to my credit. needless to say, i was pleased. several people were annoyed with me for having claimed that i was a bad bowler. i am. it's just that when i haven't bowled in a very long time (say, 8-10 months), i have a pretty good game to start. lanes and games was closing, so we only had time for 1 string. had i rolled a second, it would have settled to around 70, i'm sure of it.

i forgot this morning that sox tickets were going on sale. they started 8 minutes ago and i have to leave for work. god damn red sox.

recurring nightmare

2006-01-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

i don't listen to the radio. i almost said "i don't listen to the radio anymore," because i did used to listen to the radio -- but it's now been so long since i was a radio devotee that it feels like another lifetime ago. i guess it was; high school and only the first two years of college. but like most obnoxious, pretentious young people my age, i grew fed up with commercial radio and felt betrayed by alternative mainstay WFNX when they went crap-core. the difference between me and the other snooty white kids is that i didn't turn to college radio or radio free allston. i just turned it off. indie kids sprouted up like the cloned storm troopers in episodes II and III. i remain mired in 1994, only occasionally catching a glimpse at the outside world.

so brad and i are driving down columbus last saturday night and he's got the radio on. and it's FNX. and we tune in mid-song. and suddenly, i realize we're listening to something awesome, origin unknown. but i loved it. fucking loved it. it sounded new -- but so much like something that could have been on the radio in 1994. i was hooked. the song was called "i want to be buried in your backyard" and the band is called Nightmare of You.

okay, maybe you're laughing at me now. maybe these guys are all over the place. maybe they're a joke, not to be taken seriously. maybe they have zero credibility, maybe they're the next big thing. i have no idea. the current climate of rock baffles and depresses me. but i love this fucking song. it's been in my head relentlessly for 6 days. i've forced friends to track down the mp3 for me (i don't use file sharing programs anymore) and now have 2 versions. this may be the most perfect song i've heard in a long time. maybe since "it wasn't me" by shaggy.

that was a joke (sorta). but what an amazing, lush, confident sound. i'm completely smitten. somehow they channel the pseudo-gothness of the cure and the church, the pop hooks of the semisonic-fastball days, with an instrumental break right out of the waterboys or world party, and the catchiest chorus i've heard this side of fountains of wayne. i mean jebus christ, while everyone went apeshit over the strokes mimicking the proto-punk of the velvet underground, i was waiting for this Nightmare of You: a melting pot, paint-by-numbers impression of 10 years of alt.rock.

i know, i know, this is all hyperbole. but it's a great fucking song. i wonder if the album's any good? maybe i should buy it. i hate being poor!

depressing acheivement of the day

2006-01-25T16:04:00.000-05:00

i got a perfect score on boston.com's scientologist or kabbalist? quiz.

people are too fucking chatty

2006-01-25T11:02:00.000-05:00

don't get me wrong; i like it when i go to the post office and the clerks are funny. but sometimes they just start talking and talking through the whole transaction and it's too fucking much. just process my mail, would ya, and leave your life story out of it?

and then, don't creep me out before i leave by saying "i remember you picking up a package at the kenmore store," because if that's true, it's weird, and it was well over a year ago and why do you remember that?

for the love of doug, update this thing.

2006-01-24T13:53:00.000-05:00

meh. i'm glad it snowed yesterday. i mean, i hate fucking snow, but this pseudo-spring weather was pissing me off. i hate it when people are outside having a good time like there's anything to be happy about in the middle of january. up yours, everybody. eat snow.

the golden age.

2006-01-23T10:43:00.000-05:00

we're officially living in the golden age of Shatner.

yeah, you read that right. the Shatner renaissance is in complete and full bloom right now. the guy's scored a few emmys in the last couple of years for his work on the practice and boston legal, he's been 1 of the 2 main reasons a creatively struggling writer/producer has re-found his voice (Spader being the other reason), and oh yeah, he and his friend ben folds put out one of 2004's best albums, has been

yeah, you read that right, too. Shatner's has been is an incredible record, stuffed with hilarious material (that's funny on purpose, no less!) and more than a couple of extremely effective, touching songs. note the tune "that's me trying," which features folds and aimee mann supplying background vocals on a bittersweet song about a man going through the motions of a reunion with his middle-aged daughter. it's sad, it's true and what's more, it's witty. there's a killer cover of "common people" by pulp, on which Shatner does his trademark hack-job on the lyrics. the amazing centerpiece of the album is "you'll have time," a brilliant, rousing tune that takes away any doubt about a simple issue, as a gospel choir sings the uplifting refrain "you're gonna die." there's even a song that makes me like henry rollins. how fucked up is that?! it's all Shatner, man.

the golden age of Shatner. you're living in it, so start loving it.

enough negativity, let's make some mix tapes.

2006-01-20T13:03:00.000-05:00

okay, so if you haven't noticed, i've been a real Negative Nelly for the last couple of days. let's call it part weather, part work, part january doldrums, part post-patriots pathos and part the fact that pretty much everyone and everything pisses me off. i need to get fucking positive and i need to do it now.

so here's the deal.

i've been spending a lot of time in post offices lately (or is that posts office?) and i've noticed that they make mailers specifically designed for tapes and CDs. pretty sweet. i'm gonna buy, let's say, 10 of them. we'll maybe do 5 tapes and 5 CDs. then i'm gonna buy a bunch of blank tapes and a bunch of blank CDs.

then you're gonna email me with the following information:

-your name
-your mailing address
-your preference for a CD or tape (no guarantees!)
-the title of the book closest to where you're sitting right now
-the name of your 3rd grade teacher
-the subject line of the last email you received

then, i'm gonna put all the emails i get and put them in a fucking hat and then i'm gonna draw them out at random, 1 a week, and make you a fucking mix tape or a goddamn mix CD.

rules
1. you can't live near me.
2. seriously, dude, if you live near me, it defeats the point. why would i mail that shit?
3. okay, listen, if you live near me and you want one, you're either paying for the shipping, or waiting until everyone else has been taken care of, okay?
4. if you are chosen as the recipient of a mix tape or CD, you will owe me something in return. most likely, a mix tape or CD. but maybe just a burned copy of an album you think i should have, shit like that. we'll see.

okay, folks. don't let me down. it's time to put on a fucking happy face and kill these winter blues with the awesome power of rock.

a thursday morning reflection.

2006-01-19T13:22:00.000-05:00

as i walk down dartmouth street
past the copley plaza hotel
there are men my age
wearing nicer coats than me
with nicer scarves
over nicer clothes
and i ask myself
"would i rather be
poor and happy
or rich and miserable?"
and i answer without a moment's hesitation
"rich and miserable,
because i'm just not that happy
to begin with
...and that's a stupid fucking question."

a b-train named "my ire."

2006-01-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

so i forgot to ask rich the other day if i could borrow his copy of Streetcar on dvd for tonight's class. so, no big deal, i thought, i'll just rent it from blockbuster. jeff's a member, so it should have been a breeze. well, that was before the torrential downpours started at about 1pm this afternoon. we put off going for a long while and then jeff went to the gym. so, feeling antsy, i went myself, walking in the pouring rain up to allston/brookline to the blockbuster on harvard ave. guess what? good guess, they didn't have it. so i asked them to call the kenmore store. the girl there told me the kenmore store was closed so i asked her to call the symphony store. they had it, and would hold it, and i went.

got absolutely sopping wet waiting for the b-line for about 15 minutes, and got pretty well splashed by the assholes in cars on comm ave. when i got upstairs, the rain had slowed to a mere trickle and the clouds were opening up and the world was lit by that eerie post-heavy-rain deep bluish purple haze. i was mad that i was a walking sponge but i was glad to see that. i was reminded, walking by the christian science center, that the new skyscraper at 101 huntington was a great idea.

finally got down to the blockbuster near symphony and found that since i hadn't used my account in over 3 years, i had to sign up for a new one. oy. all this for a $4 dvd rental, when i should have just made one phone call to borrow a copy. the chick at blockbuster tried to sell me on some advanced membership that cost money. i didn't have the heart to tell her that i belong to Netflix and she would never see me again.

got back to the hynes stop and just missed a crowded b-train. i punched it as it went by. if it weren't for that dumb blockbuster chick, i thought, i would have made that train. right away a dude walked up to me and tried to sell me something called "what's up" magazine. "i got nothing," i said. he laughed and said, "don't say that. you always got yourself." i said "that's true. you've got a point."

about 2 minutes later, the next train came. it was the b-line. and it was fairly empty.

if only they had known.

2006-01-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

i didn't win the slam, although i thought the director and actors did an admirable job (not great, but solid). the prize went to the play about the middle eastern women talking about how america is bad. i would have won, but i forgot to tell everyone that my play took place on 9/11. oops!

last chance.

2006-01-17T08:50:00.000-05:00

tonight's your second (and perhaps last) chance to catch a short play what i wrote. it's part of SLAMBoston and you can get tickets ahead of time (recommended, it's a tiny theater) at TheaterMania. the thing is at 791 tremont street (the piano factory, in back), near mass ave and tremont.

quick question.

2006-01-16T23:56:00.000-05:00

stephen colbert has his own hit show. steve carrell just won a golden globe. so my question is this: anyone feel bad for mo rocca right now?

weehee!

2006-01-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

oh, it's just darling, isn't it? and look at how thin! i'm just figuring it out now. it's so much fancier than the old one. and supposedly it plays videos -- however, it's not playing the quicktime movies i've put on itunes -- so i'm a little worried that it only plays videos that have been paid for. sheesh. any nerds know a way around that?

update

2006-01-16T10:05:00.000-05:00

it's here! it's here! it's here!
it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here it's here!

my ipod is coming! my ipod is coming!

2006-01-16T09:47:00.000-05:00

my glorious, sexy new black iPod is coming today! it left the fedex location in southie and it's headed this way! callooh, callay, oh, wonderful, glorious day! i love things so damn much. i love, love, love all my beautiful possessions. things make me so happy! things don't piss me off nearly as much as people do! they don't get in my way on the subway, they don't lie to me or cheat when playing monopoly, and they never, ever, ever ask to borrow money or laundry detergent! fabulous, miraculous things, i pledge my everlasting devotion and allegiance to you! woe to the naysayer that derides my lovely worldly things!

also, i have a cold. god hates me.

schadenfreude.

2006-01-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

well, the next best thing to the patriots winning a superbowl is peyton manning not winning a superbowl. so, there you go.

anyway, ain't that just the way it goes? in 2003, everyone wanted a cubs-sox world series and they got yankees-marlins instead. this year, instead of an indy-pats afc championship game, we get steelers-broncos.

yeah, cause that's exciting.

go bears.

this will cheer you up.

2006-01-15T11:25:00.000-05:00

live action punch out.

i was right about one thing.

2006-01-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

the only team that beat the patriots tonight was the patriots.

with plenty of help from the officials.

raise your hand if you really think it's over.

raise your hand if you think this team is doing worse than 12-4 next year.

raise your hand if you think brady's never winning another ring.

didn't think so.

the history they ignore.

2006-01-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

okay, i'm breaking with the stupid rosie o'donnell thing for today, because i want to discuss something i actually care about.

remember in 2003/4 when the patriots rode a 12-game win streak into the playoffs -- and then took on the league's co-MVP quarterbacks in consecutive weeks, dismantling both Steve McNair and Peyton Manning en route to their 2nd superbowl appearance and win in 3 years?

remember, then, in 2004/5, when they dominated yet again and headed into the playoffs to face peyton manning (solo MVP) and ben roethlessberger? it looked like a tough road, didn't it? well, they yet again picked manning apart (indy didn't even score a measley touchdown, losing 20-3) and wailed on the steelers with a gluttonous offensive display (41-27) in what "should" have been, according to "experts," a closer matchup.

well, here we are again. while many, many of the same so-called "experts" are picking the patriots in an underdog-road-upset, i'm astounded by anyone who could possibly be even remotely as impressed with Jake Fucking Plummer as those previous wannabe champeens.

i mean, give me a goddamn break. the patriots have continually and effectively proven over and over and over again that they have the smarts (in belichick), the poise (in brady), and the enforcers (in the defense), and the single-minded-obsessive hive mentality (in the whole team) to expose and dismantle any opponent in their way. they don't care if it's manning, plummer, delhomme, mcnabb, or fucking unitas or namath in a flying delorean.

we'll all be reminded of this, unequivocally, tomorrow night. sometime around the 3rd quarter, there will be a collective "oh yeah, right, i almost forgot" moment for all of pats nation, and subsequently the rest of the football watching nation, when we are reminded that while the fans and the experts duke it out with the required "well, it's a tough match-up, could go either way, blah blah blah" bullshit, the players, the coaches and the owners of the patriots know better. because they know these presently inarguable truths:

it's not a tough match-up.

jake plummer is not joe montana.

brady is also not joe montana -- he's better than joe montana.

belichick is the greatest football coach in history.

the only team that can prevent the patriots from winning... is the patriots.

and the final will be 23-10, new england.

a movie what i made

2006-01-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

a better version
of the short film i made
is now up
go to
my web site
and click where appropriate
it's quite large
and will take some time
to download

thanks to brian
for hosting it

don't you hate
that all i talk about
on my fucking blog
is myself?

southern comfort

2006-01-11T23:42:00.000-05:00

(note: i have decided this week to write my blog in the style of rosie o'donnell's blog. enjoy.)

taught my first class tonight
on tennessee williams
and it went pretty well
i think
just 4 students
of varying ages
enthusiastic
with some good things to say
they haven't yet figured out
that i'm a total fraud

so i got that going for me

long way... up.

2006-01-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

(note: i have decided this week to write my blog in the style of rosie o'donnell's blog. enjoy.)

on my way to work
in the south end
i frequently walk by
the john hancock building

and see
men in expensive suits
taking cigarette breaks

and they stand
in the little nook
the indentation
on st. james avenue
you know
the little notch
that makes that blue stripe
(see helpful photo below)

and i like that
because i'm sure
when no one's watching
they look up
like little kids
and think
"wow."

cause i do that too

and they make more money
than i do

dull drums

2006-01-10T13:54:00.000-05:00

(note: i have decided this week to write my blog in the style of rosie o'donnell's blog. enjoy.)

there is absolutely nothing
charming about winter
after january 1
i pretty much feel like
all i'm doing
is biding my time
until passover

green 17...?

2006-01-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

(note: i have decided this week to write my blog in the style of rosie o'donnell's blog. enjoy.)

went with jay to watch the celtics
against the mavs
at "the garden" (meh)
the tickets were his xmas present
from me

they lost
in the last 6.5 seconds
similarly to many
many many
many other times
this season

it was exciting
and we had fun
but i could tell jay
was bummed

see the celtics
were/are his first love
they were huge in the 80's
when we were kids
and then faded in the 90's
into irrelevancy
and have had a rocky popularity
in the last 6-7 years

a lot like my first love:
cyndi lauper

i've never played golf but if i did i'd be good

2006-01-09T10:59:00.000-05:00

(note: i have decided this week to write my blog in the style of rosie o'donnell's blog. enjoy.)

i've never played golf
except for mini, obv
(so is the other "maxi?" ha ha)
but my grandpa was a great golfer
golfed almost every day of his life
according to my mother

he was even
the president of
mount hood in melrose
for a time
he taught my mom
and she apparantly was good, too
though not a lesbian

so i've never played golf
but i know i'd be good
because it's in my blood

i knew a guy in college
whose parents belonged
to a fancy schmancy country club
in boston
and i asked him if he would take me
golfing
and he said
"no.
because there's nothing worse than
going golfing with an inexperienced golfer."

i hated that guy
and that was an assholish thing to say
but then i realized
he must have just been protecting me
because i'm a jew
and they probably wouldn't have let me in.

'nuff said

2006-01-08T00:31:00.000-05:00

nameless shelf slow-motion

2006-01-07T00:54:00.000-05:00

thanks to everyone who came to the thing tonight. all in all, they did a decent job for only one rehearsal. a large african dude from the somerville news thought it was "very intense" and "was on the edge of [his] seat." so, there you go.

for those who missed it, it's showing up again at the devanaughn theatre (read: the piano factory) off tremont street in a couple of weeks. i'm sure i'll mention it again, cause, you know. i like me.

a lot.

prediction: patriots 24, jaguars 13

more predictions: i'm going to sleep late, do nothing all day and then eat a lot of guacamole.

blameless elf commotion.

2006-01-05T22:56:00.000-05:00

okay, here's your last reminder about a play in somerville.

the theatre cooperative has a slew of 10-minute plays on friday night and mine be one of them. check it out why not. it's cheap and in somerville. i think they're just reading it but they'll read it nice.

an open letter to manny ramirez

2006-01-05T19:17:00.000-05:00

dear manny,

stop being so f*!king crazy and just make up your f*!king mind already! i mean, jumping jesus on a pogo stick, you're a walking fucking clash song.

letterman v. shitty windbag

2006-01-05T08:49:00.000-05:00

here's the clip of letterman trouncing o'reilly. it's awesome.

thanks, nick.

well, i guess they're actually from "last year"

2006-01-04T22:19:00.000-05:00

so i'm back on netflix. first up was crash as i continue to work through the supposed best films of the year. ebert and roeper each had this in their top two (i forget who had it as #1 and who as #2) and it's easy to see why. can't really do a short review on this, so i'll hit bullet points:

-thank you someone (in this case, paul haggis) for making a film that in any way attempts to even hint at an accurate portrayal of the real race problems in this country, and for attempting to fucking smarten up the dialogue on race.

-jeff and i both agreed that it is amazingly unpredictable in the face of its predictability. does that make sense? no? good. so much about the movie is predictable and yet you just can't predict it. i don't know how someone can do that but i must learn.

-is there such a thing as unrealistic realism? if so, he nailed it.

-this is the movie magnolia wishes it were. and yes, i realize that's totally not fair; they have completely different aims. and yet: intertwining stories, l.a., unexpected shit falling from the sky? paul haggis made an important picture. paul anderson made a self-important picture.

-yeah yeah, cheadle cheadle cheadle. but ludacris is fanfuckingtastic. and hilarious.

-deanna fucking troi was the persian dude's wife?? holy shit, now that's acting.

-i'm starting to get a better idea of the year's top 10. i can't believe someone's actually said this was a lousy year for movies. if by "lousy year" you mean "year in which there were several sophisticated and subtle movies that dealt with actual, concrete issues with an appreciation of their complexities instead of churning out offensively simplistic hollywood black-and-white polemics," than yeah, i agree. lousy year.

-see it.